Expectations

Expectations.. they can be a powerful tool for setting boundaries and priorities and for establishing predictability and structure. However, expectations can also be limiting, exhausting and a formula for letdown.

I recently began a personal journey of reflecting on the impacts of expectations in my own life. The high level of entrenchment and consistency of these little gems in my life has increased both my tolerance and my pursuit of them. For many years expectations have guided my perception of personal relationships, professional performance and activities of daily living. I have conditioned myself to always raise the bar on expectations of myself (regardless of rationality) and thereby my expectations of interactions with others.However, too much of even a good thing can lead to pathology. And while, in many cases expectations are healthy and beneficial tools, I recently identified my use of many them as sole indicators of the 'success' and 'value' of interpersonal interactions and individual achievements - a dangerous and narrow ridge to tread.

These self-imposed and automatically assessed standards have served as a litmus test of my functioning for many years. The truth is, when all is going according to expectation, it seems all is right with the world - relationships seem to deepen and thrive, colleagues, supervisors and clients comment on exceedingly 'professional' performance, even self-talk reflects a tone of accomplishment. Yet, the effects of these encouragers are fleeting and within minutes to hours I am reflecting on ways that I have fallen short of fully delivering on said expectations.

In most areas of my life I can trace the primary cause of my distress and frustrations back to unmet, unaccomplished expectations. While sifting through the emotions associated with these 'discouragements' in my life I realized that the source of my hurt, frustration or disappointment with any given life situation is highly correlated with the lack of 'perfect' attainment. What had once served as a general guide to provide protective boundaries had become the sole rubric for perceived success in many areas of my life. In many cases these expectations have become a rigid, restrictive, tunnel-vision approach for the way things 'should be' as opposed to one of many alternatives to how they 'could be'.

So, beginning with the most emotionally exhausted relationship in my life, and working my way out, I have resolved to (1) acknowledge my expectations, (2) identify the feeling I associate with that particular expectation and what I believe I will feel if it is met, (3) identify the belief I have about that specific expectation and why it is important to me, (4) consider whether the association between the expectation and belief is appropriate, (5) communicate what I am desiring from the other person (or if professionally oriented, discuss my intentions with a supervisor), (6) brainstorm a go-forward plan with others involved and (7) permit myself to begin to let go of the habit of tying emotionality to expectations and focus on the beliefs that direct them.

My first reflection using this model - (1) I 'expect' the process of deconstructing my 'expectations as a rubric' approach will be a challenging but fruitful process. (2) I am both excited and anxious to experience growth in this area and (3) I believe that being open to changing the way I view the world is imperative in my development as a professional and individual. I also believe that change is neither easy nor immediate. (4) The association between personal development and changing the way I view expectations is an appropriate fit and (5) I desire that my supervisors, peers and family members be open to dialogue with me as I being to process expectations and their impacts on my relationships and performance. (6) Outwardly discussing expectations, requesting support and accountability from others in speaking up in the event that they feel any type of resistance or disappointment coming from me (due to expectations), journaling about any frustrations or disappointment and assigning feelings and beliefs with them are ways I can go-forward with this plan. (7) As I continue through this day, this week, this month and so on, I will give myself permission to awkwardly work through this process while reminding myself that what has taken a lifetime to develop will take a great deal of time to adjust.

One clumsy step toward the person I want to become is worth more than a full on sprint down the path that leads me to the orderly world of straight-edge expectations.. even if I do seem to be very comfortable there!

An Exterior Thought

I wonder what it is that makes us spend to much time judging ourselves before the mirror. I don't have the same thoughts about others around me, in fact, I cannot remember the last time I carefully inspected the way back pockets were arranged on another's pants, where someones belt buckle seemed to bulge under their shirt or how another's sleeves revealed or covered her ever so womanly arms.

I see women out and about dressed to the nines - 3-inch heels, seven designer jeans, a flowy forever 21 top.. all the numbers one might expect to add up to a perfect 10 and yet, what do I notice about this women after I get past her impeccable exterior? That she avoids the glances of others either because her chin is held to high or here eyes are cast to the ground, that she doesn't joyfully chat with all the people around her but rather seems to be on the defensive against unwanted attention, and she doesn't smile - how is it that in the midst of a perfect image she can be perfectly unhappy with herself or those around her?

So if those who go before me, those with the perfect body shape and clothing to match don't seem settled in their skin, what makes me think that that, as an ultimate goal would hold different results for me? Rather, I think it is yet another phantom source of gratification which distracts me from where I should be looking first - within.

I remember, one of my favorite guys in high school was light-hearted, always fun to be around, kind, thoughtful and carrying 150 more pounds than any of the varsity football players. He had a huge personality and a large exterior to match.. Yet, I never seemed phased by his exterior, in fact, I found it to be both disarming and welcoming at the same time. That same guy has worked hard to drop the extra 150 pounds and then some, but I can only pray that he didn't lose that incredible personality that he carried so well.

I am inspired by those who see where they are in life and regardless of circumstance find humor, courage and above all joy. I want to seek out those sources within my own life.. I want to own them and carry them well, regardless of the hand bag I'm toting and how well my shoes may or may not match it.

Counselor, Know Thyself

"Update blog" has been a checklist item haunting me for months. With little excuse for the delay, I return to writing, encouraged by a semester of new thought and processing and excited about the future that lies ahead.

I've completed 12-hours of masters counseling coursework and, with little prior experience to speak of, I found myself reeling from the new perspectives and thought processes that began to seep into my awareness. My newly-discovered understanding of what a therapeutic relationship looks like and what goes on in the mind of the counselor has led to a major transition in my perspective and in addition to growing in understanding, the last 4 months have been a time of:

• Stabilization: I have not lived in the same place for more than 4 consecutive weeks at a time for almost 4 years. Reclaiming routine, building new relationships and nesting in my new place have been wonderfully enjoyable! My room is now a sanctuary where I read, sleep and study with a renewed sense of appreciation for familiarity.


• Exploration: I have had the opportunity to investigate different counseling theories, trying them on to see if they fit my personal perspectives and character. I have also had the opportunity to attend workshops on various expressive arts therapies and dreamwork therapy.


• Culination (aka - taking a stab at the culinary arts): I find myself moving to basic foods, losing a taste for preservatives and artificial additives and returning to natural, organic nutrition. This past year I was excited to celebrate giving up red meat, chocolate and fried foods. My primary motivation was discipline, making choices to better care for my body and be creative with my diet. While I am a little late out of the gate in 2011, I am starting up again with this regimen!


• Deepening: I have had the opportunity to set aside some time throughout this past semester to contemplate my current state - spiritually and relationally. I was thankful to be able to steal away for a few days in January to take myself on a little mini-retreat with the Lord, I returned refreshed and grounded with an intense desire to just sit with the Lord - without petitions, without requests, but just spend time thanking him and learning more about his beautiful heart for us. In addition, I am becoming more involved with other Christian students through a graduate as well as undergraduate group, I am excited to see where this adventure takes me this year!


• Dating: Phil and I celebrated our 1 year date-a-versary this past January 30th and I enjoyed him surprising me by re-enacting several moments from our first meeting one another as well as the dates leading up to our decision to pursue exclusive dating and deepening in our relationship. We look forward to what this coming year will bring.

Classes started off mid-January and I have loaded my schedule with 15-hours of graduate work. The reading is fairly involved and I find myself spending most of my days cuddled up with a good diversity in counseling or ethical and legal issues text, sipping hot tea and considering the implications of this education on my future career.

My cohort has heard on more than one occasion, that 'you must go through the counseling process yourself before you can counsel others'. With that, I completed 10 course-required, counseling sessions as a client. While I entered into those sessions without any major life issues in mind to discuss, I completed my sessions with a deeper understanding of myself, my perceptions, my personal biases and what I would consider to be the footnotes to the story I tell myself about the world around me. Wow!

I not only enjoyed the process but seem to catch myself continuing the process even on my own. When exchanges happen between people around me, I find myself looking for the meaning and the emotion behind the words they are saying. I watch more carefully for nonverbal inflections, pauses and moments of struggle, I listen.. truly listen more carefully than ever before and I am continuously surprised by what I hear even in the silence.

Onward into semester 2! May my posts be shorter and more frequent in the future!