Expectations.. they can be a powerful tool for setting boundaries and priorities and for establishing predictability and structure. However, expectations can also be limiting, exhausting and a formula for letdown.
I recently began a personal journey of reflecting on the impacts of expectations in my own life. The high level of entrenchment and consistency of these little gems in my life has increased both my tolerance and my pursuit of them. For many years expectations have guided my perception of personal relationships, professional performance and activities of daily living. I have conditioned myself to always raise the bar on expectations of myself (regardless of rationality) and thereby my expectations of interactions with others.However, too much of even a good thing can lead to pathology. And while, in many cases expectations are healthy and beneficial tools, I recently identified my use of many them as sole indicators of the 'success' and 'value' of interpersonal interactions and individual achievements - a dangerous and narrow ridge to tread.
These self-imposed and automatically assessed standards have served as a litmus test of my functioning for many years. The truth is, when all is going according to expectation, it seems all is right with the world - relationships seem to deepen and thrive, colleagues, supervisors and clients comment on exceedingly 'professional' performance, even self-talk reflects a tone of accomplishment. Yet, the effects of these encouragers are fleeting and within minutes to hours I am reflecting on ways that I have fallen short of fully delivering on said expectations.
In most areas of my life I can trace the primary cause of my distress and frustrations back to unmet, unaccomplished expectations. While sifting through the emotions associated with these 'discouragements' in my life I realized that the source of my hurt, frustration or disappointment with any given life situation is highly correlated with the lack of 'perfect' attainment. What had once served as a general guide to provide protective boundaries had become the sole rubric for perceived success in many areas of my life. In many cases these expectations have become a rigid, restrictive, tunnel-vision approach for the way things 'should be' as opposed to one of many alternatives to how they 'could be'.
So, beginning with the most emotionally exhausted relationship in my life, and working my way out, I have resolved to (1) acknowledge my expectations, (2) identify the feeling I associate with that particular expectation and what I believe I will feel if it is met, (3) identify the belief I have about that specific expectation and why it is important to me, (4) consider whether the association between the expectation and belief is appropriate, (5) communicate what I am desiring from the other person (or if professionally oriented, discuss my intentions with a supervisor), (6) brainstorm a go-forward plan with others involved and (7) permit myself to begin to let go of the habit of tying emotionality to expectations and focus on the beliefs that direct them.
My first reflection using this model - (1) I 'expect' the process of deconstructing my 'expectations as a rubric' approach will be a challenging but fruitful process. (2) I am both excited and anxious to experience growth in this area and (3) I believe that being open to changing the way I view the world is imperative in my development as a professional and individual. I also believe that change is neither easy nor immediate. (4) The association between personal development and changing the way I view expectations is an appropriate fit and (5) I desire that my supervisors, peers and family members be open to dialogue with me as I being to process expectations and their impacts on my relationships and performance. (6) Outwardly discussing expectations, requesting support and accountability from others in speaking up in the event that they feel any type of resistance or disappointment coming from me (due to expectations), journaling about any frustrations or disappointment and assigning feelings and beliefs with them are ways I can go-forward with this plan. (7) As I continue through this day, this week, this month and so on, I will give myself permission to awkwardly work through this process while reminding myself that what has taken a lifetime to develop will take a great deal of time to adjust.
One clumsy step toward the person I want to become is worth more than a full on sprint down the path that leads me to the orderly world of straight-edge expectations.. even if I do seem to be very comfortable there!
